ME.

I’m doing it again.  I’m messing everything up. I thought I got over you. I made myself think that, and I did.  But it came back.  On one of the most important (and highly media influenced) days of the year.  I fucked up. 

I thought I could make you happy by doing as much as I can to show you that I care, and that’s the truth.  But it makes you feel less special that I did something else also, something that I kept a secret from you.  I suppose that it shouldn’t mean anything, but you know it does. 

I’m just fucking up.  I thought that the past couple days would help me, make me forget.  Is it wrong to say that?  As you readers know, I mainly type like how I’m just talking normally, so sometimes most of what you will read will be like, “What the fuck is he trying to say?!”

But yeah…I’m no good. I’m not a good boyfriend, I’m not a good guy, I’m not a good person period.  I want to change, I know that.  I feel like I want to be the guy that makes one girl feel like she’s the whole world to me and vice versa.  I feel like I want to be the guy that you see in the movies that always come back, fights for your love, and once he has it, he takes it and cherishes it forever.

Thing is…I’m not that mature.  I realize this as I thought about it more and more.  I’m not grown up at all.  I have a lot more maturing up to do, I have to get rid of the materials that are holding me down, that are keeping me back.  Thing is, because I haven’t matured yet, those things that I have to get rid of…I like them, I love how they make me feel.

And to that, I think that would be the real me.  A disgusting, revolting, unforgivable, low-life scumbag.  I could go on but I can’t think of anymore.  I like to party.  I like to drink.  I like to smoke (not cigs though).  I like to have fun.

Was it wrong for me to move into a relationship if I liked that life?  Was it wrong of me to make a girl feel incredible because I can?  I’m not saying that I’m regretting anything, it’s just I’m wondering if it was right for me to be with someone while my personality is more like ‘I want to have fun’.  And this is what I mean by the immature side of me.  Why would anyone want to be with me?

Why would anyone want to stay with me when I have that kind of side with me?  I’m afraid of hurting you with something that I might end up doing.  Maybe on purpose, maybe on accident, maybe in my control, maybe out of my control, just afraid. I’m just scared.  I’ve hurt and caused pain to someone special to me because of this side, and now I’m afraid of repeating the same thing.

To you, I’m sorry.  I’m a very bad promise keeper, aren’t I?  I seem to have not kept up to your promise…pretty much like always huh? =\ It’s like I’m reverting even though I thought I made so much progress.  It looks like you’re doing great.

To me in the future when you read this.  I hope you’re still alive.  I hope you’re able to read this.  I hope that you have mature.  I hope that you have made the right decision.  I hope that you didn’t stay in the same place.  I hope that you can make someone feel that special so that you won’t have to type anything like this.  I hope that you won’t think of yourself as the bad person.  I hope you’re still alive.  I hope that there is a time machine in the future so that hopefully, you can send me a letter from the future saying you’re doing well, saying that you did the right thing.  I can dream, right? haha…

To you, please don’t forgive.  Even though you said the things you said last night, I couldn’t reply properly.  I couldn’t do anything for you.  I couldn’t be the guy that would brighten up your world.  Maybe I am, but I’m slowly burning out…at least I think so.  Maybe we’ll get over this and become closer and stronger.  Maybe we’ll drop dead and never see each other again.  Which ever is the option…I’m just sorry for lately messing up.  I’m sorry for my actions.  They should have been second thought.  I should have wondered about how you would feel if I did it. 

This is me.  maybe not all of it right away, but for now, this is what I’m thinking and this is how I’m feeling.  Terrible and torn, Unforgivable and depressed. 

I did this to myself, okay? NO ONE ELSE DID THIS TO ME. 

I’m the cause and the root of all my problems.